Trauma therapy helped me to understand my Borderline Personality Disorder and now I help others do the same

Exclusive | 3 min read | Trigger warning (gaslighting, abuse references, suicide themes)

If you’re feeling suicidal, please dial 999 now, call NHS Direct on 111 or contact the Samaritans 24/7 on 116 123

One evening some years ago, I received a text message from my then-boyfriend, demanding that I pick him up from the pub. As usual, I dropped everything and obliged. I thought he was out with his friends, but, to my surprise, I found him with another woman. A familiar smirk crept across his face – one that said he knew he’d hurt me and was daring me to react. When I did, he ordered me to leave, and reassured his date that he didn’t know me. 

Shaken, I went and sat in my car. He came out, chastised me, then convinced me that my fragile, paranoid mind had overreacted to the situation. It wasn’t the first time he’d used this as his defence during our six-year on-off relationship.

I have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), a disorder of mood, and paranoia can be one of the symptoms, as can emotional instability. It’s a stigmatised condition, often misunderstood and misdiagnosed.

Data collated by Mind suggests 2.4 in 100 people in the UK are living with BPD, which can impact how a person interacts with others and is the most commonly recognised personality disorder.

Spotting the signs

I’d self-diagnosed BPD 10 years previously, after watching the film Girl, Interrupted (2000), starring Winona Ryder and Angelina Jolie. There’s a scene where the main character breaks into her therapist’s office, reads that she’s been diagnosed with BPD and lists the characteristics of the condition. I realised I could tick all those boxes. 

But it took a decade of being misdiagnosed with anxiety and depression and feeling misunderstood by medical professionals before an official diagnosis came. 

That night in the pub with my ex and his date was a turning point for me. Living within a reality that my ex constantly made me question was exhausting. I could no longer trust my instincts, so I attempted to end my own life. It wasn’t my first attempt and, as with the others, I was intercepted by my mum, who had returned home in time to call the emergency services.

Feeling betrayed and frightened, I was sectioned and taken to an in-patient Mental Health Facility. I spent three weeks there, during which time I received the unsurprising and official diagnosis of BPD. It had taken being sectioned against my will to finally feel seen.  

Naively, I hoped the diagnosis would finally open doors to treatment. I was wrong. Instead, upon being discharged, I simply returned to my abusive relationship and was placed on a waiting list for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) - a type of talking therapy.

FINDING STRENGTH

The familiar normality of abuse resumed: my ex would do whatever he wanted and I would do whatever he wanted. He used my diagnosis as a tool for control. If I questioned his behaviour, he’d say the BPD was making me overreact. 

Months later, I returned home from a festival to find girls’ clothes, shoes and used condoms scattered around our flat. Once again, he tried to convince me that things weren’t as they appeared. On his iPad, I also found messages and nude photos of 52 girls he’d cheated with. 

I’d been suspicious of some of these girls before, yet he’d made me believe they were figments of my paranoia. The images on the screen were proof of his infidelity, but, most importantly, my sanity.

A weight had been lifted. I found the strength to finally leave him and moved back to my mum’s house. 

ADDRESSING TRAUMA

After researching services in my area, I self-referred to VIDA Sheffield, a Specialist Trauma Therapy Service for women who have experienced abuse and trauma. It’s a free service with both one-to-one and group sessions. They, like many other specialist women’s organisations, reject the term BPD completely. Instead, they recognise that the symptoms of BPD are symptomatic of un-treated complex trauma. 

Whilst a BPD diagnosis can provide individuals with a way of describing their feelings, it can also serve as a restrictive label. My diagnosis labelled me as the problem and meant professionals failed to identify indicators of abuse, or steer me to specialist support. Trauma therapy recognises that understanding traumatic experiences is imperative.

BPD Symptoms can be grouped into four main areas: emotional instability, disturbed patterns of thinking or perception, impulsive behaviour, intense but unstable relationships with others.

Source: NHS

I’ve now completed 20 one-to-one sessions, during which I’ve discussed for the first time a familial death to suicide, witnessing physical abuse, and personally experiencing physical, sexual, financial, emotional and psychological abuse, coercive control and gaslighting in relationships.  

While I still struggle with trauma triggers, such as becoming agitated if a van is driving behind me, thinking it’s my ex following me, I’m now armed with practical skills to deal with those episodes. Now, in those moments, I pause and pay attention to my surroundings - on what I can hear, see, taste, smell and touch – and it really helps.

MAKING PROGRESS

I’ll be attending the group support when services can resume and am excited to continue making progress.

After a period of being single, I’m now enjoying dating again, confident in my ability to navigate healthy relationships, communicate my needs and experiences, enforce boundaries, and no longer let unsuccessful relationships reinforce beliefs that I am worthless, unlovable or that all men are threatening. 

I’ve also begun to work as a Domestic Abuse Support Worker, through which I’m able to support clients and apply my knowledge of trauma to support others, specialising in BAMER (Black, Asian, Minority Ethnic and Refugee) and marginalised communities’ experiences of Domestic and Sexual Abuse.

Trauma therapy made me realise I’m not crazy, and, crucially, that what were considered ‘problematic’ symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder are simply the brain’s normal responses to trauma. 

• For more information and support visit Mind. If you’re feeling suicidal, dial 999, call NHS Direct on 111 or contact the Samaritans 24/7 on 116 123

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