Why are women so apologetic? Left, right and centre, we drop the S-bomb. It’s time we stop

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I never realised how much I apologise, until a close friend read a pitch I’d sent out to give me some feedback. She laughed and said, ‘why are you saying sorry?’ I took a look and realised she was right. I rifled through my outbox and found it’s something I do all the time, for no good reason whatsoever.

‘Sorry to bother you!’ 

‘Sorry, I’m not sure if this is right, but...’ 

’Sorry, me again!’

Reading my emails in detail, not only could I see that I over-used the word sorry, but I relied heavily on hedging language, also known as cautious or vague language, to express uncertainty. This combination of excessive apologising and hedging language created a sense in my emails that I was unsure of myself, my queries, and the very validity of my email. 

Without knowing, I had been delegitimizing my messages for years. It was a stark, frustrating realisation and made me see it was time for me - and us women, who are statistically more prone to this language habit - to stop saying sorry.

I don’t mean when we’ve legitimately done something wrong, but saying sorry unnecessarily at work, via email, or simply in the process of normal tasks such as putting our change in our purses at the till and ‘taking too long.’

Apologising when it’s necessary is a good thing; a sign of one’s ability to be empathetic and understanding of feelings and social situations, as well as recognising and acknowledging when we’ve done something wrong.

But for women, feeling the need to apologise needlessly can be unhealthy. Studies have shown women apologise more than men, a result of women’s threshold for behaviour that warrants an apology being lower than men. Simply put, women are quicker to offer a ‘sorry,’ because they are more likely to think a transgression has occurred that merits one. But why does this happen?

Psychotherapist Sarie Taylor says, ‘in society, men have often been, and still are in more positions of power than women, where the expectation is that you assert yourself. It is expected that you are opinionated and passionate about your cause.

‘Women traditionally were not encouraged in the same way, and it can feel uncertain, unfamiliar and new to assert ourselves. Like anything new or unpredictable in life, we question ourselves, and our ability. If it feels uncomfortable, or scary, then one way of avoiding that discomfort is to apologise; to test the water and justify, or soften our actions.’

As children, girls are often encouraged to abide by high moral standards and are encouraged to always be polite. Boys are too, but additional contradictory information and rules can make the moral parameters confusing. Young boys are often praised for being assertive and having goals, ambitions and showing dominance. Girls are often on the other end of a conflicting message: don’t be bossy, share nicely and so on.

Personally, there remains a problem for me being labelled ‘bossy’. My school reports said it, and to this day, people - including my friends - call me it. While they likely don’t mean it in a nasty way, there are, of course, negative connotations with the word and being called it doesn’t feel good.

As a child, boys around me were rewarded for their competitive nature, especially in sport or naturally ‘competitive’ activities that are gendered as more male dominated. Whereas when my competitive side came out to play, I was faced with negativity at being pushy and overly forward in my approach. Classmates labelled me as annoying and obnoxious, whilst teachers encouraged me to be less competitive or risk losing friends.  

Family traits

The habit of excessively apologising can also be passed from one generation to the next.

Sarie explains, ‘we can pass on our conditioned beliefs through generations. These may be beliefs we hold on to tightly and live strictly by, but in reality, they are simply thoughts that come up frequently and become our norm. Changing the habit then boils down to our level of awareness of what we’re doing, and the ability to challenge and change those beliefs.’

Children are great imitators, soaking up language, linguistics and behaviour as they develop. Generational conditioning may be where my tendency to apologise comes from because I’ve never met someone who apologises more than my mum. She’ll often apologise for asking too many questions or not texting back instantly. Luckily, the other phrase she uses just as much as sorry, is thank you - and I’m glad that’s rubbed off.

In order to try and curb my habit, Sarie has some advice. ‘We can begin to change this habit by challenging the beliefs that limit us and allow ourselves to be who we are without restriction. We need to give ourselves permission to use free will and freedom of choice.’

By doing this, generational beliefs of women as the more submissive and emotional sex can start to break down, and hopefully slowly wipe away unnecessary or excessive hedging language and apologies.

As it turns out, the ‘sorry’ problem is common with most women, as a study by Karina Schumann and Michael Ross in 2010 showed. The study showed that across 12 days of studying men and women who self-reported their apologies, women apologised more than men.

However, after taking into account that women reported committing more offences than men did, Schumann and Ross found that the gender difference in frequency of apologies disappeared. Female and male transgressors apologised for an equal proportion of their offences (approximately 81%). There was also no gender difference in how men and women apologised. It appears that once men and women categorise a behaviour as offensive, they are equally as likely to apologise for it.

Amy Schumer did a powerful sketch about it, and dozens of psychologists have written on why we do it. It’s clear that there is an societal desire or expectation for women to be empathetic. We are raised hearing that being too confident as a woman is powerful, but too much confidence makes you conceited and arrogant. 

Such belief systems come from centuries of patriarchal oppression, which are now embedded in our psyches, driving out hedging language and low bar for what equals a transgression and deserves an apology. But I’m determined to shake it.

In order for me, and other women like me, to kick the apology flu and ensure future generations of girls feel no such need to hedge conversations, or doubt themselves, we must praise girls and women who are direct and honest in their conversations and approaches to situations. We need to know that we do not need permission to feel or think a certain way. It will leave us all feeling empowered.

I’m learning to be confident in my ideas, sure of myself and the points I make. And guess what? I’m not sorry, not one bit.

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