I feel a sense of loss for the maternity leave I’d imagined, but I feel guilty too. Here’s my experience of being a new parent on lockdown

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I’m sitting in a home-made fort. We’re nestled amongst cushions and cuddly toys, fairy lights strung above us, and a crinkly foil blanket lining the floor. ‘You’ve finally lost it,’ my husband, Adam, says as he comes into the lounge. I protest that the fort is for the baby.

‘For the baby, or for you?’ comes the reply.

At this time on a Friday morning, I’d usually be at the library with my son Auden for Wriggle and Rhyme, followed by a very important chai latte in the nearby café.

My week is usually filled with parent-and-baby classes, swimming lessons, walks on the beach and coffees. Lots and lots of coffees.

After a difficult birth in November 2019 and finally recovering, I was just getting into the swing of maternity leave when the Covid-19 pandemic hit, leaving me and Auden stuck at home for the foreseeable future. No more Wriggle and Rhyme. No swimming classes. And definitely no cafés.

Dashed dreams

As a first-time mum, I’d imagined this summer would be spent on the beach near our home in Christchurch, Dorset, and hanging out with other mums and babes. But Auden was barely four months old when lockdown began. As I write, there is finally some talk of restrictions easing, but who knows what to expect in the coming weeks and months.

Having a baby, especially if it’s your first, can be an anxious and worrying time. It’s a world of unknowns accompanied by the steepest learning curve you’ll possibly ever experience. Usually, you’d have a gaggle of mum friends, or relatives young and old to help you through it.

Doing it in isolation has been hard and I’ll admit I’ve felt a sense of grief for missing out on the usual family and friend visits and interactions.

This is not the maternity leave I’d envisioned. My time away from the office is suddenly not so different from my furloughed friends, except I have no extra time to take up pilates or learn a new language, because I’ve got a baby to look after. And now I have to think of new, inventive ways to keep him entertained.

I think what’s hitting me hardest is being so physically cut off from everyone I love, at a time when I yearn to be close to them. Auden’s grandparents live only a few miles away but haven’t been able to cuddle him for weeks. My husband and I are the only ones seeing him grow at a seemingly superhuman rate.

Mixed emotions

Then I think about how lucky we are. We’re healthy. We’re safe. I know how much worse it could be, but it doesn’t make my feelings any less real. Not only do I feel anxious and frustrated at being robbed of the maternity leave I’d imagined, but on top - I feel guilty for feeling that way.

For other new parents who may be having similar feelings, the best advice I can give is to make the most of the situation, but allow yourself the room to feel frustrated now and then. It doesn’t make you unsympathetic to others who are suffering illness or loss.

I’m trying a range of ways to make the best of things. For example, every Friday morning when I would have been in the library with my son, I find a suitable Spotify nursery rhyme playlist and we have our own little sing-a-long session. At least I can sing in silly voices without anyone else hearing.

Our Baby Sensory sessions are still taking place, albeit remotely. Coffees with mum friends have moved online to Zoom or FaceTime. Auden can still see everyone, even if no cuddles are involved.

Making the most of it

During lockdown, I’ve been trying to do at least one new activity a day - nothing outrageously creative, just things we might not have had time for before. We’ve built a fort, had a puppet show, and numerous mum and baby discos.

I’ve found mum and baby yoga and music classes on YouTube and the benefit is I can switch off the ones which are too twee to handle. My husband is working from home, so even though he’s busy, at least he can see more of our son than he usually would have.

We’re lucky that Auden’s falling asleep at around 8pm, so most evenings Adam and I have a little time to ourselves. Inspired by a friend, we’ve pencilled date nights in our calendars so we actually stick to them. So far, we’ve been to a jazz bar (jazzy tunes and dancing in the lounge), had dinner at an Italian restaurant (eating pasta at the dining table with the good candles lit), and experienced the theatre from the comfort of our sofa (courtesy of live streaming).

There’s one more positive. Most of my friends live far away and although we could have had virtual get-togethers at any time, something about the lockdown has made us crave the social interaction more. Virtual games nights have become a regular engagement. Somehow, being stuck at home has meant seeing some of my friends more often.

So there it is. I hope this confessional of sorts is of use to at least one new mum out there.

The key, in my opinion, to being a new parent on lockdown, is acknowledging that isolation as a new mum or dad is hard, and allowing yourself to feel a bit down about that sometimes. But at the same time, try to make the most of it - in whatever way you can manage and simply take it one day at a time.

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