I waited 20 years for my miracle boy, but his time on earth was so very short. On Wilber’s birthday, I want him to know he’ll never be forgotten

exclusive | 2 min read | happy birthday wilber 💙

To my precious boy,

It’s the night before your second birthday, and I can’t quite believe it as I glance around and see the colourful banners all over our home. Your red velvet cake with elephant toppers is ready and waiting in the kitchen. How are you nearly two years old already, my darling Wilber? 

Time has flown by so fast in the most bittersweet of ways, because it has been 638 days since I last held you in my arms.

You came into my life after 20 years of yearning. I thought endometriosis had put paid to my dreams of bringing a little brother into the world for your big sister Zilanne. By some miracle, you arrived, making our little family complete.

But Wilber, you were too ill to stay in this world, the result of a rare genetic condition that caused central core disease and affected your muscles and lungs.

For 13 weeks and two days, you flipped my life upside down and inside out. Your eyes were mesmerising. I cherished every moment I looked into them, saw your beautiful soul and got to know you as I did. Loving you was the easiest thing I’ve ever had to do but living without you now is torture. 

I won’t deny that I’m finding life extremely hard without you, but I’m sure you already know this. I honestly believe your soul is still around me because true love never dies, and that’s exactly what we had together.  

That mother and son bond you hear people talking about? We had that in abundance and I’ll be eternally grateful for it. 

The journey we shared during your short time here on earth is something I will never forget - some of the best and hardest days of my life. You taught me lessons that helped my soul grow and changed me so dramatically as a person. 

You gave me love in an unconditional form. I needed you and you needed me. You taught me how to be strong when I felt weak, to be selfless when I wanted to be selfish and keep you by my side forever.

When you were here, I couldn’t imagine my life without you. But here I am, and there you are in heaven. 

Sometimes, I want the whole world to stop and witness the sheer pain I’m in. But the world moves on and life happens around me all the time, even when I don’t want it to. 

That’s one of the hardest things to come to terms with. That life goes on. I know you’d want me to be happy and do all the things you won’t get to, but it’s easier said than done. I promise I’ll keep trying my best. 

In the weeks running up to your second birthday this 15th May, I’ve been terrified that people will have forgotten about you. That’s my biggest fear in my journey of motherhood, despite the pile of birthday cards and presents waiting for you.

Having spoken to other parents who’ve lost a baby, it’s a common theme. Just because you’re not physically here, Wilber, it doesn’t mean you are not a part of our daily lives and it’s so nice to be asked about you, to hear friends and family remembering you and saying your name.

You are still part of this family and every day my love grows for you. You are always included in everything I do and you are in my thoughts constantly. 

After we said our goodbyes, I had a recording of your heartbeat placed inside an elephant teddy along with some of your ashes. He is with me constantly. At the dinner table, in the garden, on holidays. How I choose to continue parenting you isn’t everyone’s cup of tea but you’re my cup of tea and this is how we’re rolling with it!

As I’m writing this right now, I’m smiling at what a little monkey you were. You were absolutely full of life and made all the rules, from when you wanted your feet rubbed, to when the doctors on the NICU could stop by and do their rounds. If you were feeling grumpy, they knew to stay away. Wilber’s way or the high way.

I’ve never seen such a tiny baby with so much spirit and personality. I think you got that from your mumma!

I love you so incredibly much Wilber. I always have and I always will.

I asked you for signs recently. You’ve been sending signals in the clouds, making feathers float down past the living room window - even the photo of you in the white frame that just fell as I’m writing this letter to you.

Thank you for sending me these signs Wilber. I need them to restore a little faith that you’re still around - not in the way I yearn for but in the only way it can be till we meet again.

I hope you like what Daddy and I are doing in the garden for you, and the cake I’ve made. It’s been a pleasant surprise to see the number of cards and presents that have arrived for your birthday. I hope this never fades.

Wilber Ringo, keep shining your little light and I will keep living for you, even on the days I don’t want to. Because promises can’t be broken and that was our promise to each other.

Happy 2nd birthday in heaven, Wilber. I love you. 

Your mummy xxxxx

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