I grew up in the Mormon church, surrounded by its beliefs and rules. Then came an awakening I couldn't shake

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Most little girls daydream about their wedding day. The Cinderella dress, the big party and the fairy-tale romance. But not all of these girls are told that marriage is essential to be allowed into heaven.

This was the reality of my childhood.

As a member of the Mormon church, I was taught the biggest achievement of my life would be getting married to a Mormon and having lots of children.

Mormons consider themselves Christians, and abide by an extra set of beliefs founded in The Book of Mormon; scripture written about Jesus and interpreted with ‘divine guidance’ by American, Joseph Smith, in the 1800s. Followers believe that the Bible and The Book of Mormon go hand in hand, alongside their own texts, ‘Doctrine and Covenants,’ and ‘Pearl of Great Price,’ helping them understand God and his teachings.

It’s always been a patriarchal religion focused on marriage. It no longer allows polygamy but Mormon men still retain control over women. Only men can receive the priesthood, the power, and authority of God, meaning only men can lead the congregation.

I left Mormonism ​at 18 for many reasons, but the most significant was the way it made me feel.

I grew up believing my goal in life was to marry and be ‘sealed’ for eternity in the temple - a ritual that couples complete in order to be bound together forever, even after death.

How it all began

The idea of marriage being vital was ingrained in me after attending my first youth activity, a chance for Mormon girls and boys between 12-18 to socialise. Youth Leaders decided I could attend a few months before my 12th birthday and I was elated. I had butterflies from the excitement and nerves of finally joining my older friends.

The group was split into Young Women and Young Men, each taking part in weekly activities. Boys enjoyed sports whilst the girls sewed, baked, or did arts and crafts.

When I arrived at church for my first youth activity, I found 10 wedding dresses laid out neatly on the floor. The dresses had been loaned by married women from the church for us young girls to try on and have a photoshoot in. At the time, I couldn’t think of any youth activity that could be better.

I picked an ivory dress with a huge ruffled skirt. It was sleeveless – worn by a woman who’d married before converting to Mormonism. I was given a vest to wear underneath and a cardigan to go over the top. A respectful, virtuous Mormon girl would never display her shoulders, especially on her wedding day.

I did as instructed, not realising how odd the whole activity was. Eleven-year-old ​me only knew that wearing a wedding dress and having my hair and makeup done made me feel like a princess.

Bridal shoot at 11

Once we were all dressed in white and our hair had been braided into buns, we had a photoshoot. Instead of asking us to say ‘cheese,’ the photographer asked us to shout which temple we wanted to marry in. Most girls shouted Salt Lake City, the largest Mormon temple in the world, located in Utah, USA.

I was laughed at when I asked for a moment to think about my choice, with the adults finding it endearing. The other girls sounded so sure about what they wanted, but I had no idea. I felt so confused and that was just the start of it. Because of the Mormon church and the adults who guided me within it, I grew up believing that I would not be good enough as a person unless I got married.

I made it my agenda to search for someone who could give me that. Since most Mormons marry young, I felt my time was limited and I became fixated on male opinions of me, believing I’d only feel validated and worthy of God’s love if a boy wanted me.

According to Mormon teachings, 16 is deemed the appropriate age to start group dating. I imagined being asked out immediately after my 16th birthday. When nobody did, I felt worthless and insecure. Was something wrong with me? How was I supposed to get married and be allowed into heaven when nobody would even ask me out on a date?

Feeling alone

To this day, I remember those intense feelings of hopelessness that stemmed from my religious beliefs. I find it so sad that I felt unworthy because I couldn’t get a date at 16. It was, of course, entirely normal to be single at that age, but my Mormon beliefs blind-sided me and caused me much emotional distress - something I largely endured in solitary thought.

By way of encouragement, people from church recommended attending a week-long teenage convention - For the Strength of Youth (FSY) - to help me find my future husband. At 17, I was full of hope that I’d meet someone there who would become my eternal companion.

I had a crush on a particular boy almost immediately. The whole week, I begged God for help: ‘please send me someone who will love me.’ My nightly prayers triggered intense emotions and I’d cry afterwards about how lonely and insecure I felt.

All I wanted was to be loved by a boy because I did not love myself. I believed the void in my heart could only be filled by marriage because that would mean I had completed God’s plan and would receive an abundance of blessings and happiness. To add to my lack of self-esteem and any sense of worth, I felt conscious about my body and sexuality.

I was taught to always dress modestly and cover my shoulders, knees, stomach or any part of my body that could be interpreted as ‘sexual’. At Sunday School, I was taught that having sex before marriage was a serious sin making you impure and unworthy of heaven. The sole purpose of sex, I learnt, was procreation.

Dating and relationships

A Mormon guidebook called ‘For the Strength of Youth’ advises young Mormons on what they can and cannot do, and covers topics like sexual purity and dating. I was fearful of disobeying the guidelines that said even acts like masturbation were sinful. It left me afraid to explore my own body and to be intimate with others. I saw it all as dirty, and I judged people that had premarital sex, viewing them as ‘unclean’ and ‘lesser’ than the ones who remained virtuous and ‘pure.’

But it all left me wondering how I was supposed to form a meaningful relationship with a boy when I wasn’t allowed to spend time with the same one frequently?

This extensive set of beliefs around sex and intimacy left me feeling uncomfortable in my body because I did not understand it at all. I was taught not to explore it, so I avoided it completely. Mormonism preaches that your body is a temple that should be kept away from worldly things like alcohol, drugs, and sex, but it overlooks the fact that your body is also YOUR body.

I know now I can do whatever I want with it. My body doesn’t belong to God, or men who have created arbitrary rules for me to follow. I belong to me, and me alone.

But when I first went to university in 2017 to study English Literature and Creative Writing and was exposed to relationships and sex, I struggled with the guilt of wanting to do things I’d been taught were sinful. I was afraid of intimacy because unmarried sex was taboo in my religion, so I became anxious in many situations that others my age would have been able to enjoy.

My awakening

Still, going to university was the start of my journey to independence. Away from the Mormon church, I began to think for myself and express who I was, without religious restraints holding me back from my true desires.

Between educating myself, meeting new people, and exploring my newfound freedom, I realised that the Mormon lifestyle was not for me at all. I disagreed with many of the teachings and no longer wanted to associate myself with it. I wanted to be free to make my own choices, feel comfortable in my body and be content with the fact that I probably wasn’t going to be married by 21. I decided to leave Mormonism at ​18.

The guilt I felt in the first few months afterwards made me bitter towards the religion. I hated feeling condemned for doing normal things like drinking alcohol, cursing, or even having tea. I was also afraid of the judgement I’d face when people realised I was not coming back to church, or that I’d be labelled a ‘sinner’.

Mormonism teaches free agency - the ability to make your own decisions - but it’s also clear that there are consequences to every choice you make. I tried to distance myself from the beliefs I’d grown up with, but it was hard to shake it off.

Now, it’s been three years since I left the religion behind and with every day that passes, my guilt for doing normal activities I once considered a sin, diminishes. I still respect Mormonism and won’t forget the special times I had with loved ones in church settings, but I face a daily battle between my life away from Mormonism, and the Mormon teachings ingrained in me from childhood.

For most of my life, I went to church every Sunday, so religion will always be a part of my identity. I still believe ​there may be a God, but not one based upon the definitions of the Mormon church. Nowadays, I consider myself to be agnostic. Who knows if there's really a God out there?

I’m happy that 11-year-old me was content to wear a wedding dress and dream of getting married, but I’m even happier that I’ve become an adult who can decide what is right and wrong for myself. I hope I can continue to form my own beliefs and live the life I want, not as a ‘young woman’, wife, or mother, but as a good human being with autonomy and self-worth.

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